Understanding the Flight, Fight, or Freeze Response in Neurodivergent Kids

When a child has a melt down, runs from the room, or goes completely still and silent, it’s not “bad behaviour.” Often, it’s the nervous system doing its job - trying to protect them.

For neurodivergent children, stress responses can look different, come on quicker, and take longer to recover from. That's because their nervous systems are often more sensitive to sensory overload, transitions, unpredictability, and social interactions.

So let’s take a deep breath together and dive into what Flight, Fight, or Freeze really means - and how we can show up as the calm in their storm.

What is the Flight, Fight, or Freeze Response?

This is our body's built-in alarm system. It kicks in when we perceive danger or stress - even if that “danger” is a loud bell, a confusing instruction, or a sudden change in plans. The brain sends out a red alert, and the body prepares to:

Fight: push back, yell, hit, scream, argue

Flight: run away, hide, leave the room, avoid

Freeze: shut down, go silent, stare off, be unable to move or speak

For neurodivergent children, this response might be triggered by things that neurotypical adults overlook - like a scratchy uniform tag, a strong smell, being put on the spot, or even a well-meaning but unexpected hug.

Supporting a Child in "Fight" Mode

What it might look like:
Angry outbursts, hitting, yelling, throwing things, talking back, stomping off

What they’re communicating:
“I’m overwhelmed, scared, or overstimulated. I don’t feel safe right now.”

How to support them:

• Stay calm and grounded - they need your calm, not your alarm
• Give space but stay close enough to keep everyone safe
• Speak softly and slowly: “I’m here. I can help. Let’s take some deep breaths together.”
• Avoid punishments - focus on safety and co-regulation
• When they’re calm, talk about what happened without shame: “It looked like things felt too big just then. Want to talk about what helped or didn’t?”

Supporting a Child in "Flight" Mode

What it might look like:
Running away, hiding, refusing to enter a room, escaping under a desk or table

What they’re communicating:
“This is too much. I need to get away right now to feel safe.”

How to support them:

• Let them retreat - don’t chase unless it’s a safety risk
• Offer a safe, quiet space they can choose to go to
• Reassure: “You’re safe. You don’t have to talk. I’m here when you’re ready.”
• Avoid forcing eye contact or conversation right away
• Gently check in once they’ve regulated: “What helped you feel safe again?”

Supporting a Child in "Freeze" Mode

What it might look like:
Going quiet, unresponsive, unable to speak, zoning out, seeming distant

What they’re communicating:
“My brain is stuck. I can’t move or respond until I feel safe again.”

How to support them:

• Don’t pressure them to talk or respond - silence is not defiance
• Sit beside them calmly or offer sensory tools they find comforting
• Use grounding techniques like naming colours or textures they can see/feel
• Let them take their time to come back - re-regulating can take longer
• Offer support like: “I can see you’re stuck. I’ll stay with you until it feels easier.”

A Gentle Reminder

Neurodivergent children aren't overreacting. They're not manipulative or naughty. Their brains are wired differently, and their stress responses are real, intense, and valid.

Our job isn’t to fix their behaviour - it’s to understand the need underneath it and respond with empathy, patience, and consistency.

Some Tools That Help:

• Predictable routines
• Visual supports and social stories
• Sensory-safe environments
• Calm-down kits (with fidgets, noise-cancelling headphones, comfort items)
• Scheduled sensory breaks
• Empathy over enforcement

Final Thought

Every behaviour is a form of communication. If we can learn to listen with curiosity instead of judgment, we can become the safety they’re searching for.

Your love, support, and willingness to understand go further than you know. These kids don’t need fixing. They need to feel safe, seen, and supported - just as they are.

You’ve got this. And they’ve got you.